When I die.

Originally published, March 01, 2011 (here)

Edited (spelling only) on February 18, 2021

Think face.

The INFAMOUS question:

"What do you want people to say about you when you die?" in the back of my head. Or "what do you want that hyphen between your birth date and day of rest to stand for?"

However, while taking a shower, I started thinking, WHAT DO I WANT TO SAY FOR MYSELF when I die? Like FOR REAL - when it's time to close my eyes on this lifetime - what do I want to say about my life?

At first, my mind kept running to what I want other people to think:

I want Mike to see me as sexy, fun, and supportive.

I want my friends to see me as loyal, trustworthy, and caring.

But after pressing myself harder and delving into my core, like past the general crap:

Was I successful? A good person? Had a big heart? Loved people?

I got my answer:

I want to say on my death bed that I truly allowed myself to experience life. Like aside from the typical - I want to "LIVE" life by traveling the world, dining at delicious ethnic restaurants, experiencing fashion, food, and art at its finest. I want to EXPERIENCE my life...like really feel it.

I want to allow myself to experience every facet of love truly.

Like, go out on a limb for others, even if that means that I may suffer extreme heartbreak.

I want to be as happy for someone else's triumph as they are.

I want to be fully present at every celebration - no thoughts about what may happen or what so-and-so thinks.

I want to be a risk-taker in my fashion and food experience - allowing myself to plunge into fashion choices and food choices that I swore off - whether my body or taste buds feel "ready."

Yes, an itsy bitsy bikini on the Long Island shores.

I want to laugh hard and cry harder (happy tears)

Reveal my quirks, while accepting other people's quirks as well.

I want to cry hard and then get back up.

I want to experience destitution for what it is and allow myself to sit in it without envy BUT then when it's time for prosperity; I want to allow myself to enjoy that phase without guilt or selfishness.

I want to stay up all night talking to someone dear or a stranger.

I want to sleep with my loves - cuddled tightly or feet-to-head.

I want to get into screaming debates that are followed by hilarious make-up sessions.

I want to learn something every day.

Along with taking time for God, activity, love, and myself - DAILY.

I want to dance in the club as I dance in the car while driving down an empty highway.

I want "no" fantasies to stay day/night dreams - make them a reality.

Foolin' around with Mike in the itsy bitsy bikini on the Long Island shores :)

I want to step into someone else's life and understand the world from their perspective.

I want to stop taking everything so friggin' serious and allow myself to be taken away with the wind.

But yet I don't want to see life as a joke.

I want to share the kitchen and food with the people that I love most.

Heck, I want to share my food with everyone.

I want to be an open book - I don't want to leave this earth a mystery.

No one genuinely knowing my heart.

Every day I want to feel life. I want to touch it for what it is, and if in my control, I want to make it good.