Monday, July 09, 2007
Everyone tried to keep me quiet on this one. I didn't even want to write it... BUT I must. "Be transparent" are the words of my wise father...and to be the writer that I aspire to be...I have decided to do so. So here it goes:
AS I GET OLDER....(I am ashamed to admit it...I want to stop...but I can't...I must continue)...MY LOVE FOR MY REFLECTION IS SLOWLY DECLINING (there it is out there...I cannot take it back)
Yes, the world I, Shelby (cute, loveable, confident) Stone, am no longer obsessed with my reflection. But the weirdness does not stop there... the truth is, I don't think that my looks have changed...but for some reason, I am not in love with my reflection like I used to be.
Now, don't get wrong, I am still the one to snatch the camera after the picture is taken...just to look at myself...and I even hop into every frame and pose with all my might. But many times, while staring at myself and ignoring my beautiful picture mates, I have let out the response, "please erase that one." A response that is rare to me, "this is such a great pic" self. To be honest...come a little closer...I have even gone to the level of denying a picture or two in fear that I will look a mess.
Now don't get me wrong, this is not a "wooo is me...I'm ugly moment," because that is the last thing going on... I still walk by every available mirror and say "hey" to my reflection. It is just that now, I don't just walk by and put my nose in the air and say, "hey beautiful" to that woman in the wall. There are times when I have to breathe in super hard to suck in my stomach, take my hand through my hair a few times, fix my shirt or put on a little more lip gloss.
I don't know why this is happening to me, it could be: the fact that several of my students asked me if I was pregnant every day ( at first I liked to think that it was just the shirt or the pants...but then they began trying to touch my stomach while giving me a " I know, and I am excited about you" smirk...), then I thought it was because I was in the land of the beautiful, skinny and fashionably inclined New York...but then I had to admit to myself that my relationship with my reflection has taken me on quite the journey of ups and downs.
Here is our story:
In eighth grade, I, unlike most adolescence, loved my reflection; we were the best of friends. She always looked smashing. I could stare at her and smile all day...in the car rearview mirror, my vanity mirror, bathroom mirror, everywhere. And in highschool, we were still fairly close...however my senior year I began noticing some changes in her that I was very unhappy with. In my sophomore year of college, we rekindled our love. But by my senior year, I began getting annoyed with her again, wishing that she would lose some weight, do something different to her hair, get rid of the black circles (caused by nights of way too much stress and homework). I wanted her to look like herself seven years ago.
Now here we are July 10, 2007...my reflection and I am in limbo... I am at the point of acceptance, obsession, love, or hate...and I must say that I am entirely not willing to be obsessed again, but yet a part of me would die if I hated her. So, I am deciding right now that I will LOVE her...for who she is...5'2, around 125, and full of perfect imperfections... It will be a different love, but it will be a more mature love, full of ups and downs and changes...but "hey" isn't that life?
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