My grandmother, the love of my life, is in the hospital; however she is in good spirits. In fact, when I talked to her, we took time to reminisce about my grandfather, her love of big dogs in NYC, and why she would never call 9-1-1 during the day: Grandma: You know what, I've always wanted to be in NYC with a big dog. I would walk him in the streets and... Me: Really... Grandma: You know the only thing is... Me: What? Grandma: The dog will need a babysitter... Me: Yeah, most people have a babysitter for their dogs, but I think they usually walk them... Grandma: Well, my dog will live with the dog-sitter and I will pick it up - just for walks... Me: ?????? (in my mind-a.k.a a dog walker...) Me: So, grandma, remember when pawpaw used to get lost with Mario [their dog] Grandma: Yeah, Shelby, it was the funniest thing, he would say, "hey, Mario, ready for your walk boy?" He would take Mario on a long walk and then they would come in. The next minute, I would hear, "hey, Mario, ready for your walk boy?" (we're laughing)...Mario would look at him like he was crazy... One thing that that conversation solidified for me is - my fear. I used to fear that a family member would die before me - I was so afraid of losing someone; however after reading the Word, talking to family members, my own health scares, growing up and just...heck, thinking - I've realized my fear is: complaining about my day, letting bitterness consume me, being fearful of the "what ifs", nitpicking my loved ones, obsessing over material things, stressing over the opinions of others, judging my fellow human, scrutinizing my weaknesses, ignoring the needs of others, fighting for selfish-ambitions, forgetting the power of forgiveness, patience, and grace, focusing on physical beauty, and forgetting to laugh, in other words my fear is: not enjoying every second I have on earth... I have no idea whether I have an hour or 80 years, but in that time, I want to enjoy every second of it, because I don't know my fate or the fate of the ones that I love and I refuse to have regrets or to look back without a smile... As I was thinking about my fears, my grandmother interrupted my thoughts: Shelby, I have to go...they gave me sleeping medicine, I feel like I am drunk...talk to you later Talk to you later...love you, grandma...grandma? Dial Tone...
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